


Ai Nante (Such a thing called love)

by vogue91



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, Kanjani8 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Love, M/M, Routine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 12:28:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14378658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: He was waiting for Subaru to wake up. Like every morning, he had made him tea and had put it on the nightstand next to the bed. It was a routine that had been going on forever; Subaru woke up, drank his tea and then joined him in the kitchen, kissing him and smiling to thank him.Routine.Perhaps, that was the problem.





	Ai Nante (Such a thing called love)

_Tonari ni iru noni aimai_

_Itsumo sou anata wa soba ni iru yo?_ _Inai no?_

_Atashi dake mou kowaresou nano.. oshiete yo nee._

_[You’re next to me, but it’s a vague feeling._

_It’s always like this; are you close? Aren’t you?_

_I’m the one who’s about to break... please, tell me.]_

(Desire, Shibutani Subaru & Yasuda Shota)

 

Yasuda felt like crying.

He couldn’t explain the real reason; he didn’t know why, but he had the feeling that something was about to happen.

No.

He wasn’t going to lie to himself.

He knew that feeling had a name, a face, a reason.

Subaru.

Their relationship had been going on for years now. Years where they had love each other, years where they had fought and then made up, years where incomprehension and discrepancies had brought them to a point of no return.

Years where Yasu had always been sure that the love they felt for each other was still more important than everything else, that it could be something that would’ve made them go on forever, for better or worse.

Or perhaps he had only deluded himself.

He was waiting for Subaru to wake up. Like every morning, he had made him tea and had put it on the nightstand next to the bed. It was a routine that had been going on forever; Subaru woke up, drank his tea and then joined him in the kitchen, kissing him and smiling to thank him.

Routine.

Perhaps, that was the problem.

All they did, all those gestures they made for each other without even realizing it.

All those things why they still were seen like two people who still loved each other, despite the strain that time had brought to their relationship.

And that was what Yasuda wasn’t convinced of.

He saw the door to the bedroom opening slowly, and he held his breath. Shibutani got out of the room, his hair messy and the shadows under his eyes deep, never abandoning him.

Just how his script said, he got close to Yassan, slowly, and kissed his lips. And Yassan took that kiss for what it was, something already written, something seen, replayed a thousand times, when he would’ve liked that, for once, Subaru would’ve surprised him.

“Good morning.” the elder told him, once they had parted. He sat at the table for breakfast, and the other man sat in front of him.

He had already eaten, he had _always_ already eaten, but he stayed there anyway, looking the other studying the miso soup with his eyes half-closed, as if he was evaluating the pros and cons of falling asleep right in it.

It was a show that, under any other circumstance, made Shota smile. One of the small things convincing him that, after all, everything was fine between Subaru and him.

Shibutani raised his eyes on him, still sleepy, and smiled briefly to him, finally starting to eat. Yassan got up, going to the other side of the table and gesturing to move, then sitting down on his legs.

Subaru rested his head in the crook of his neck, kissing it slowly, but the other man stopped him.

“Babu...” he murmured, tormented. The elder stopped, staring questioningly at him.

“Is there something wrong, Yasu?” he asked, innocent.

Innocent as usual, Shota thought. Innocent like every time he suffered in silence, and Subaru didn’t seem to notice, or he didn’t want to.

“Yes. There is something wrong, Subaru.” he replied, and the other felt like a scolded child. He didn’t like to be called with his full name. He wasn’t used to it, and he knew that when Shota said that ‘Subaru’ to him, it could only mean he had done something wrong.

“What this time, _Yasuda_?” he asked, sarcastic.

He hated to fight, especially so early in the morning.

Especially with Shota.

Yassan got up and turned his back on him.

He wasn’t one to easily get angry, but lately it seemed that Subaru was capable of making him feel a rage that confused him for its intensity.

“This time? It’s not this time, it’s every time.” he sighed, trying to talk with a controlled voice. “Why, do you really think that you and I are fine?” he went on, immediately regretting what he had said.

Subaru stood up as well, going in front of him so that he could look him in the eyes.

“What does that mean? That we fight? That happens to everybody, doesn’t it? It’s not a tragedy, since we’ve always gotten over every fight.” he paused. “Do you really want to know if we’re fine? Because I honestly think we are.” he replied, with a calm that surprised Yassan.

The latter sighed, going to sit down on the armrest of the couch.

“True. We’ve always gotten over every fight, you and I. Together.” another sigh, a sign that he wasn’t done talking. Subaru shivered, but he ignored it. “But I’m not talking about the fights. I’m talking about everyday life. I’m talking about the spontaneity we’ve lost. I’m talking about all those things we do for each other, that now are meaningless, Baby. You and I are not the ones we once were, you can’t deny it.” he said, in a rush and slurring, as fearing that if hadn’t said it quick he would’ve regretted starting that discussion, that now couldn’t be avoided anymore.

Subaru had kept quiet, his mouth slightly open, as if he couldn’t talk.

He wanted to reply, instinctively. But he had stopped to think about it, looking for objections he couldn’t find.

He thought about a few years before, when he and Yasu had been together for a little time, when their relationship wasn’t yet worn out by all the time spent together.

He told himself it wasn’t normal. That there were couples who spent their whole lives together, fighting and facing insurmountable obstacles... but still loving each other, always and in every case.

So, what was going wrong between Yassan and him?

“Shota, I...” he murmured, resting a hand on his shoulder, that the other dodged instinctively. The elder froze, taking a step back. “Shota, I’m sorry. I have no idea what’s happening to us.” he said.

The younger was dangerously close to tears, and seeing him like that made him feel even worse.

“Do you think I know?” he yelled losing the cool he had managed to keep until now. “I suffer, I see you suffer and I feel I can’t do a thing to make us better. We’re full of anger, all that which we have never expressed, that we’ve harboured until now. And what bothers me the most is that I don’t even know why.” he stopped, breathing heavily.

Subaru collapsed on the couch, feeling suddenly tired. His eyes were wide open, as if he was daydreaming, as if he felt detached from that reality, as if he wasn’t having that argument with Yassan. As if it all was too unreal to truly believe it.

“Maybe... we just don’t love each other as much as we did before.”

The silence was suffocating after those words.

Subaru couldn’t think about what he had said. Yasuda couldn’t think about what he had heard.

But it was the result of all they had previously said. Questioning the love they felt for each other was something neither of them had ever thought about, but right now it just seemed like the only possible conclusion.

“It’s over, isn’t it?” Yassan asked, the composure in his voice unreal.

“I wish I could say it’s over only if we want it to be. But it’s not like that, and we both know that. You said it yourself, didn’t you? We’re not what we were before. We’ve struggled to be together. We’ve fought, we’ve made up, but... if we can’t see one good reason to still be in this, I don’t see why we should keep pretending.” he replied, a bitterness that made him sick.

“I’d say a good reason could be that we love each other. Not like before, but we are in love.” Yasu bit his lip. “It’s not enough, is it?”

Subaru didn’t answer, and the other went to the door, putting his shoes on quickly and getting out. As if he needed air. As if he couldn’t stand the elder’s stare on him anymore.

Subaru stayed where he was, unable to react.

Frozen, for what seemed like an eternity.

They didn’t have a good reason to be together anymore, but the fact that they loved each other.

But Shota was right.

They had learnt the hard way that love’s not enough.

 


End file.
